Jaz Bangerh reports:
Those of you who know me, know that I live in my heart, so if you read this and think “she’s a bit deep” or I give you brain ache with my random thoughts and it’s all over the place then I apologise in advance.
When I woke up this morning I had three things whirling in my head.
The first thing was my sister Surinder and had she got home safely from Shanghai. I would not be at peace unless I knew. I should not have worried because I was soon comforted by her text that she had arrived back in France and was tucked up in bed. I exhaled and my spirit was calm.
The next thing I recalled was a telephone conversation I’d had the previous night with my 5 year old nephew Joban Singh. “Phuah Ji (meaning aunt in Punjabi) I'm wishing you the best and I love you very much.” I exhaled and my heart was filled with love. Children are the most precious gift in life.
The last thing on my mind is rather random and requires a little explanation. It’s do with a little red robin I “met” last year. It was the day before Christmas Eve and I went for a walk in Strid Wood (nr Bolton Abbey). It was freezing cold and everything around was covered in brilliant white snow. I sat down to have a hot drink and as I was taking in the beauty all around, the tiniest red robin came up close. I held my breath so not to frighten it away and for a few special moments of time we occupied the same space. I remember thinking it looked so small against the vastness of its surroundings and yet how courageous of it to venture out to experience the world. It eventually after much hopping around found a worm. What an achievement as virtually everything was buried under the snow. It soon flew away and I felt a little sad that our meeting was so short but what a privilege.
So why do I remember my red breasted friend this morning? Well simply because of the message, that despite all the obstacles that maybe in our way, if you’re determined enough, eventually you’ll accomplish your goal.
I’ve always thought it so ironic that my name Jasbir means “a brave one” and yet unlike my red robin friend I am frightened of so many things. I’m frightened of spiders; of heights; of flying (!) and at times even of my own shadow. I’m sometimes frightened of even my emotions, of how deeply I feel and that my intensity and passion can make people run away . So you see guys despite the facade I’m just one big scared pussy cat! BUT what I also know is that it’s only when we face our fears do we experience the world and today I did that very thing. I guess running in so many ways is symbolic of life generally. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought.
So we (Tess, Ben and me) get to Newcastle and it’s pouring down with rain and we’ve got 3 hours to kill before the event even starts. Somehow we end up on the radio talking about St Gemma’s Hospice. It’s a good start! The rest of the time is spent taking in the atmosphere and talking to strangers being inspired by their personal journey towards the start line. Some are excited, some nervous, everyone is supportive.
We meet some army guys who are raising money for Breast Cancer. They’ll be walking carrying 3 stones on their backs! Just amazing. I’m feeling so excited and not listening to the pain in my calves, hoping that the compression socks do the job. The army guys are in the same gate as us and we have a bit of a laugh to pass the time. One of the guys called Mick tells me about his daughter and how he missed out on the first 6 months of her life. His eyes fill up and he chokes on his words and I feel his pain. I fill up. Life is so unfair sometimes.
Just before the race starts I close my eyes and say a prayer for everyone that is running today and a prayer for Tess and me to get to the finish line. I ask the angels to take care and give healing to those who are in pain and suffering either because they are ill themselves or because they are seeing loved one suffer . And I remember absent friends.
The race starts but it takes us over 40 minutes to get past the start line! Great warm up! We pass Ant and Dec and we shake their hands as they wish us good luck.
The rain clouds have disappeared and we start our 13.1 mile journey. I love the atmosphere and gasp as the Red Arrows fly by. Awesome! Slowly but steadily enough we begin counting down the miles. The calf is hurting bad but in my head I’m saying “I’m ignoring you!”
I’m reading all the messages on the backs of people, messages of hope and of pain, but always of love. I read one that says “To Emily, my daughter. You were only here for 2 years but you made me the proudest dad.” Well, that just did it! I have the biggest lump in my throat and my heart begins to hurt. “Don’t start crying, Jaz!” I shout to myself. Oh what pain! Why, I ask myself do people have to experience such suffering? Yet here is Emily’s dad raising money for Leukaemia. “The best people don’t always have the best of everything. They make the best of everything they have.”
Someone in the crowd shouts “Go on Jaz” and it’s a little boy and he puts out his hand and I give him a hi five and thank him. I decide not to read any more messages and remind myself that Tess and I have raised nearly £800 for St Gemma’s Hospice. People have been so generous. I feel good again.
Along the miles we regularly meet up with the army guys. Such lovely men. Very gracious and kind and I feel their protectiveness over both Tess and me.
We finally cross the line well over 3 hours later. I am happy happy happy inside. “The miracle isn't that we finished. The miracle is that we had the courage to start.”
So that is it....until next year!
"Ask yourself: 'Can I give more?'. The answer is usually: 'Yes'."
-Paul Tergat, Kenyan professional marathoner
~~~~~~
It would be seriously remiss of me not to say a few words to those who helped me achieve today.
To my sisters Surinder and Natasha thank you for your love and support and I can’t wait for next weekend to see you.
To Beverley Brown, my soul sister, you make my belly laugh loud and you really get me! Love you “tweetheart.”
To Kulbir Shergill my sister of my heart, see you at the start line next year girlfriend!
To Tom and Helen thank you for holding my hand and for getting me to the start line. I love you both more than my shoe collection!
To Liz Jones. Thank you for your help in our training. You inspire me so much Liz and Tess and I love you to bits.
To Chris Corcoran. Thank you so much for your magic healing hands. I really didn’t think I would be able to run 2 weeks ago. “Sometimes obstacles are put there so that we can slow down, enjoy the journey, see the beauty, and appreciate the destination when we eventually get there.”
To Michael Jameson. Thank you for lending me your London Marathon red laces! They gave me good luck and more importantly everything matched!
To Paul Warren. It’s been lovely getting to know you. Such a sweet kind soul. Thank you for your support mate.
To Ben Harley. You’re just amazing. So proud of you my friend and I’m really glad you’re joining HPHs!
To Vikki King. This is all your fault! And I am so grateful for all your support and encouragement.
To Janice Marshall. A very loving individual. Thank you for your support and strength.
To Kay Fawcett. Thanks for all your supportive words and hugs. Much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed your 5th Great North!!!
To Kathryn Rafferty. Girlfriend you make my heart strong and sing at the same time! You’re just such a beautiful soul. I thank the angels for you. Thank you for compassion and for all the hugs.
To my surrogate children: Ellie, Bexi, Sam and Joe. I just love you guys. Thanks so much for your messages and love.
To all my HPH and Parkrun friends....your support and encouragement has been overwhelming . Thank you to everyone who came out especially to cheer us on at both official and unofficial running events.
I’m so sorry if I’ve missed anyone off. Please forgive me. My body is tired and my brain is ready to shut down.
Last but not least to Tess Hornsby Smith. I love how strong you are inside and your courage and determination. Tess it doesn’t matter that today didn’t quite go as you would have liked. I want you to remember how hard you’ve trained and the obstacles you’ve overcome. I am loving the fact that you’re even more determined to do better. I thank my lucky stars for you and you are one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met. Kind, sensitive and compassionate. Beautiful inside and out. You’ve made me step outside of myself and look at who I really am and I love you for all that you are and work hard to be. The simple truth is that sometimes we think we’ve entered someone’s life to help them , when in fact it’s really the other way around.
So my final thoughts ....if I was taken away tomorrow, I hope that what I’ve done to this point has mattered, even if only to one person, even for only a moment in time. I hope to keep on trying to be all that I struggle to be.
Finally, finally!!!!!Races are the celebration of the training. Hope to see you next week to celebrate ours!
The day after....OUCH!
Tess...I'm sure when Joe wrote this quote he was thinking about people like us!
"You also need to look back, not just at the people who are running behind you but especially at those who don't run and never will... those who run but don't race...those who started training for a race but didn't carry through...those who got to the starting line but didn't in the finish line...those who once raced better than you but no longer run at all. You're still here. Take pride in wherever you finish. Look at all the people you've outlasted."
- Joe Henderson
